Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
they really do be looking like this
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic