Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

dads on road-trips be like

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

live long and prosper!

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt