Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked