Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
plant them where lol
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Artwork by Herta Burbe
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.