Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
What?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
liiiiiiiiike
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?