Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Still laughing at this stupid meme
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.