Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
You Might Also Like
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
