Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.