Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
a fate I wish upon no one
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.