Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?