Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
When news reporters do sports stories
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
About to throw up
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
The first one, obviously
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.