Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
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The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
I think I’ll stand
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
the zen of frog
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.