Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
#CatsOnTwitter
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.