Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.