Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
We need to put an American base on the sun
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”