Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.