Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You Might Also Like
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The biggest mystery of our time
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*