Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Never let them know your next move 😂

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months