Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Good news
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Meow?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”