Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
WTF
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.