Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The Joker was right
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.