Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
You Might Also Like
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.