Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.