Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.