Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

hi why am I like this

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it