Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

*Inspirational Tweets*

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell