Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

don’t be scared

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone