Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
No.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls