Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
“HELP WITH CAT”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When I snag the last meatball.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.