Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating