Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?