Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”