Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
this country is so goddamn polarized
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.