Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

crying

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

me adding lol on a serious message

Not today, today.
Not today.

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]