Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.