Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”