Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

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I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up


Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no


[points at bank account]

“This is why we can’t have nice things! Or crappy things. Or food.”


Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.


wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge


Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE


After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.


Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.


Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.


[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.