Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.