Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My patience has stretch marks.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
always be there
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: