Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way