Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*