Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Breaking news:

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days