WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Salad is the decaf of food.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.