Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

don’t we all

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.