Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You Might Also Like
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
“We will wed,” I threatened
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat