Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
How to make infinite energy.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
LMFAOOOO
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?