Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I love the National Park Service.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses