Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
haha same
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops