Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
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It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*