Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
You Might Also Like
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano