Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

yes… yes…

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.