Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When you’ve simply given up.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Siri: Retweet me.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.