Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Revenge served cold
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM