Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
lmfao
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.