Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I think this cat is broken
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know