Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.