why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.