Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.