Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR