Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
i’m laughing very hard in real life
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right