Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Anarchy
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
thinking about a very short hotdog
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.