Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Voodoo map
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation