Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
You Might Also Like
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake