Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.