Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
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Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.