Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.