Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
You Might Also Like
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi