Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
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A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I have never heard an armadillo before.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.