Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The fall of Netflix
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh