Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
