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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.