Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?