why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
He-man has a Masters degree
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.