Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
This is a sub tweet
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.