Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad