Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.