Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
WTF
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Well well well…
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE