Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

felt that

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Buck naked

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference